Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Another day…
I have been so productive at work, it’s almost scaring me. I usually like to get in as much play time as possible, but lately, I haven’t had a free second to do anything. My journal reading has decreased to a bare minimum and my e-mail responses have stopped altogether. This is one of the busiest times of the year for me. The students return in 3 weeks and everything must be completed and ready by then. Really, the only relaxing thing I do during the day is write in my journal. Well, lunch is pretty relaxing too. Unless I’m fighting my pizza urges. Then things can get quite hairy. Or…cheesy. Depends on how you like your pizza. I prefer black and curly.
I got a letter from my brother today. It was kind of smarmy. I had sent him some of my journal for leisure reading and he writes, “I don’t know how you can divulge so much personal information on the internet. I find it funny because I know you. I guess these strangers find you funny too, although I’m not sure why. Do they get off on stories of burning assholes?” Ok, prick, I know you are in a war and all, but back off. EVERYONE that I know loves stories of burning assholes. Maybe military men are too serious for my sense of humor. Snore. I wrote him back as soon as I got to work and told him that if he would rather sit and read ARMY paraphernalia all day, that’s fine with me. I will save my journal for people who don’t have sticks shoved up their asses. Or burning cigarettes for that matter.
I’ve thought long and hard about what to do about my situation with Paul. I’ve come to this conclusion: I have no idea what to do or when to do what I should do, but I can’t do it now. Nice having closure, huh? I’ve gone from anger to sadness and every time I hear his voice on the phone, I feel as though I am holding back the biggest secret of my life. He knows that I am not happy in the relationship and I have mentioned breaking up a couple of times, but I don’t think he realizes how serious I am this time. Maybe because I have already broken up with him twice before and took him back after a month of begging and pleading.
Paul is very much in love with me. I know this. Er…I think I know this. He doesn’t want to make love to me, but at this point, I don’t want him to touch me either. We have a great friendship going, but the minute I tell him that I think we should “break up”, our friendship of a relationship will fall apart. I know it. He won’t be able to be my friend and in some ways, I don’t know if I will be able to be his either. I’ve never been able to be friends with my ex’s. It seems virtually impossible. With so much residual anger, I don’t see how either one of us could tolerate the other person.
They say that it takes half the time you’ve been with someone to get over them. Paul and I have been together for 3 years and 8 months. Does that mean that I have to wait until 2005 before I can fully put this to rest? The idea of it makes me vomitous.
I have said repeatedly in the past that I am not scared to be single, that I am not afraid to be alone. I have wonderful friends and a full support system through them. But as the reality of all of this starts to clear up in my head, I am starting to recognize how scared I truly am. It’s not like Paul and I are a team, the way that most couples are… It’s not like I only have Paul in NYC to be around and to hang out with… It’s not like Paul does much besides tear me down…
But there is something to be said for being in a relationship. No one in my life knows me the way that Paul does. Sure my friends know more details about my life than he does, but only he knows my behavior. Only Paul knows me when my guard is completely down. And he takes advantage of that. But at the same time, I trust that whatever comes out of my mouth with Paul will be taken with a grain of salt. I could never destroy him with my words. I am allowed to be myself without regard for anyone else. I can be selfish.
I will miss this aspect the most. Boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives…your partner knows a side of you that only love can bring. I don’t want to lose this familiarity. I don’t want to lose this luxury.
Yet, it’s quite a toss up. What’s more important? This one simple luxury or a world free of antagonism, anger, and frustration?
It will be a while before I can confront this conversation with the people in my personal life. I find myself lying to those around me, telling them that everything is fine. I want to deal with this alone right now. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want advice and I don’t want any pressure from anyone. Not that I have gotten any of that, but I can’t figure out how to talk to my friends about this, without having them tell me what I already know.
“Do what’s right for you.”
I know. I know. I know. I know.
But if I break up with Paul this time, there is no going back. We will be done forever and I will have lost someone that I have dedicated 3 years of my life to. The answer is simple, the execution is impossible.
Selfishly, I just need more time.
I have been so productive at work, it’s almost scaring me. I usually like to get in as much play time as possible, but lately, I haven’t had a free second to do anything. My journal reading has decreased to a bare minimum and my e-mail responses have stopped altogether. This is one of the busiest times of the year for me. The students return in 3 weeks and everything must be completed and ready by then. Really, the only relaxing thing I do during the day is write in my journal. Well, lunch is pretty relaxing too. Unless I’m fighting my pizza urges. Then things can get quite hairy. Or…cheesy. Depends on how you like your pizza. I prefer black and curly.
I got a letter from my brother today. It was kind of smarmy. I had sent him some of my journal for leisure reading and he writes, “I don’t know how you can divulge so much personal information on the internet. I find it funny because I know you. I guess these strangers find you funny too, although I’m not sure why. Do they get off on stories of burning assholes?” Ok, prick, I know you are in a war and all, but back off. EVERYONE that I know loves stories of burning assholes. Maybe military men are too serious for my sense of humor. Snore. I wrote him back as soon as I got to work and told him that if he would rather sit and read ARMY paraphernalia all day, that’s fine with me. I will save my journal for people who don’t have sticks shoved up their asses. Or burning cigarettes for that matter.
I’ve thought long and hard about what to do about my situation with Paul. I’ve come to this conclusion: I have no idea what to do or when to do what I should do, but I can’t do it now. Nice having closure, huh? I’ve gone from anger to sadness and every time I hear his voice on the phone, I feel as though I am holding back the biggest secret of my life. He knows that I am not happy in the relationship and I have mentioned breaking up a couple of times, but I don’t think he realizes how serious I am this time. Maybe because I have already broken up with him twice before and took him back after a month of begging and pleading.
Paul is very much in love with me. I know this. Er…I think I know this. He doesn’t want to make love to me, but at this point, I don’t want him to touch me either. We have a great friendship going, but the minute I tell him that I think we should “break up”, our friendship of a relationship will fall apart. I know it. He won’t be able to be my friend and in some ways, I don’t know if I will be able to be his either. I’ve never been able to be friends with my ex’s. It seems virtually impossible. With so much residual anger, I don’t see how either one of us could tolerate the other person.
They say that it takes half the time you’ve been with someone to get over them. Paul and I have been together for 3 years and 8 months. Does that mean that I have to wait until 2005 before I can fully put this to rest? The idea of it makes me vomitous.
I have said repeatedly in the past that I am not scared to be single, that I am not afraid to be alone. I have wonderful friends and a full support system through them. But as the reality of all of this starts to clear up in my head, I am starting to recognize how scared I truly am. It’s not like Paul and I are a team, the way that most couples are… It’s not like I only have Paul in NYC to be around and to hang out with… It’s not like Paul does much besides tear me down…
But there is something to be said for being in a relationship. No one in my life knows me the way that Paul does. Sure my friends know more details about my life than he does, but only he knows my behavior. Only Paul knows me when my guard is completely down. And he takes advantage of that. But at the same time, I trust that whatever comes out of my mouth with Paul will be taken with a grain of salt. I could never destroy him with my words. I am allowed to be myself without regard for anyone else. I can be selfish.
I will miss this aspect the most. Boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives…your partner knows a side of you that only love can bring. I don’t want to lose this familiarity. I don’t want to lose this luxury.
Yet, it’s quite a toss up. What’s more important? This one simple luxury or a world free of antagonism, anger, and frustration?
It will be a while before I can confront this conversation with the people in my personal life. I find myself lying to those around me, telling them that everything is fine. I want to deal with this alone right now. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want advice and I don’t want any pressure from anyone. Not that I have gotten any of that, but I can’t figure out how to talk to my friends about this, without having them tell me what I already know.
“Do what’s right for you.”
I know. I know. I know. I know.
But if I break up with Paul this time, there is no going back. We will be done forever and I will have lost someone that I have dedicated 3 years of my life to. The answer is simple, the execution is impossible.
Selfishly, I just need more time.
